counts_fireflys (counts_fireflys) wrote,

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 Oranges is gone. Just gone. He isn't here anymore and I can't even do anything to get him back. At least if he had run away I could do anything to find him and get him back. But I can't save him where he is now. I may be selfish, I do not know, he could have been in so much pain before and I didn't even know it, and now he's at peace. I kind of want to tell the story of what happened, not to freak people out but to always remember, but at the same time i want to forget, not forget Oranges but forget how scared and lost he seemed.

On Monday March 24, 2008 Oranges had a check-up at the vet.
I drove him there and he was in his crate, he loved his little crate. Whenever I pulled it out he would go into it automatically, maybe cause it was so comfy cause there were so many towels in it. 
We go to the vet and CJ got their shortly after us because he always came to his little buddy's vet appointments. The vet said he was fine, HE SAID HE WAS FINE! That he was doing good, to keep giving him his pills and to keep watching him, BUT HE WAS FINE, i can't get that out of my head.
So we left, CJ went his way, Oranges and I went ours. 

This is where it gets hard, this is where I hate myself, where I get mad at myself and get confused as to what happened. 
I put him in the car on the passenger seat as alwyas, I told him we were on the way, I like to think that he enjoyed it when I talked to him in the car. He looked at me and was ready. So we drove. I don't remember where we were but we weren't that far nor were we too close (to the vet that is in Barrhaven). But it smelled bad, I told him he smelled bad, I thought maybe he farted, but he had pooped in his crate. I didn't think much of it I figured he just couldn't hold it anymore. He started to make some funny noises and rolled around in his crate, I told him it would be fine and we would be home soon enough. He started making like coughing noises. I pulled over and let him out of the cage becuase I didn't want him in there with his poop and thought he didn't feel very good. Our old cat, Fluffy, used to get car sick. That's what it looked like was happenign to Oranges. He was kind of foaming at the mouth, just like Fluffy. I almost turned around, I should have. Why didn't I? He needed me to turn around and bring him to the vet, but I didn't do it because I just thought he was car sick. 
I put him in the backseat along with his cage, he just layed on the back seat. He meowed a few times, sometimes louder than others, but he was making noise, and he was moving around. I touched his paw. We were closer to home and I called his name a few times, and when I did he looked at me, his eyes moved, I told myself as long as he moved his eyes he was fine. Maybe I knew. I don't really know, maybe I knew.

I pulled into the driveway. I went to get him out of the back of the car. I was going to carry him inside put him in his bed and let his tummy settle, he would feel better later, because the vet said he was doing good. He was limp. When i tried to pick him up he made a funny meow noise, like maybe it hurt when I touched him or maybe he was scared, maybe he wanted me to know he was still there. I ran inside and told my mom something was wrong with him. She came out to the car, I told her I thought he was just car sick, just like fluffy. She picked him up and he tried to cough. Some stuff came out. She brought him into the front hall and he just flopped on the ground, he kind of looked like he might have had a seizure, I don't knwo though. Some parts are blurry, I was scared. He must have been scared too. My mom told me she thought he was dying, that's when I went a little hysterical. I started bawling. She put him in the car, told me to get in. I didn't, she ran back inside to get keys and her purse. I looked into the car and he was turning blue, I didn't know what to do, I already didn't turn back, what could I do for him now, maybe I should have held him, now that I think about it why didn't I hold him, and let him know I was there, to give him a little comfort. I started screaming for my mom to hurry up, I'm pretty sure i was on my knees in the driveway yelling and crying. She finally got outside I told her he wasn't moving. She tried to pump his heart, she told me to get in and to keep doing it to him, but nothing happened. His poor little eyes started to glaze over, he wasn't moving. I couldn't help him anymore. 

My baby, Oranges was my baby, the baby that CJ gave me. He thinks he gave me a bad present that was broken. I don't care though, becuase he was the orange cat I wanted. 

We still tried bringing him to the vet in Richmond, but they were closed. We brought him back to Barrhaven. My mom made me sit in the car. They came and got him. I had said goodbye, more than anything I wish I was still holding him now. I wish he was trying to get on my lap and bothering me. I would rather he be annoying me for the rest of my life then have him gone. 

Only 2 1/2 years old. What kind of life is that to live. I guess he was a happy cat, and I loved him. 

When I look back I wonder if he was chocking, I had put some treats in his cage, is it possible? If so could I have actually helped him. I tried putting my finger in his throat to see if there was anything there, I didn't see anything there. Or I guess I didn't feel anything.

I know some people wouldn't and likely don't understnad how I feel. He was my baby, he was mine and I loved him almost more than anything at all. I expected him to be around for at least another ten years if not longer. 

At this point I just want to drown out the world. I don't want to forget. I will later post all my favourite and funny and great memories of Oranges. Not yet though, I'm still too hurt and angry, at myself and at him and at the vet. I may be out of line, but I don't care. This shouldn't have happened. His heart shouldn't have been bad, he wasn't even three yet. 

Some may think I'm crazy, and I might be, but I do'nt think I need to say that you should put yoruself in my shoes. I think I'm just paranoid people won't get it, I'm sure I'm underestimating everyone. 

Oranges, little itty bitty Oranges, my buddy, I miss you so much. So many things remind me of you. But you aren't here anymore. 

I hope this is all the pain I have to feel for a long time.
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