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counts_fireflys

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[27 May 2010|03:28pm]

bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

i try these words [19 Oct 2008|11:12pm]
Do you ever notice how the mascara streaks my cheeks?
I have
Its because of the words you send to me and the way you make me feel
They are for us to know and for us to feel
I long for the days we will spend locked in our room tangled in the sheets
No sleep


If it were up to me it would be forever

Forever is now a reality
Because of the evening we spent under the foreign tower
Walking those streets that have now become apart of us
Engraved in our souls this connection will not be lost
I can't help but feel that we are the lucky ones
The ones that will last not like the others
In 60 years I will look back and smile
Because I will know that I was right

 





bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

love is july 24, 2008 [01 Sep 2008|07:45pm]

bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

OrAnGeS [25 Mar 2008|09:02pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

 Oranges is gone. Just gone. He isn't here anymore and I can't even do anything to get him back. At least if he had run away I could do anything to find him and get him back. But I can't save him where he is now. I may be selfish, I do not know, he could have been in so much pain before and I didn't even know it, and now he's at peace. I kind of want to tell the story of what happened, not to freak people out but to always remember, but at the same time i want to forget, not forget Oranges but forget how scared and lost he seemed.

On Monday March 24, 2008 Oranges had a check-up at the vet.
I drove him there and he was in his crate, he loved his little crate. Whenever I pulled it out he would go into it automatically, maybe cause it was so comfy cause there were so many towels in it. 
We go to the vet and CJ got their shortly after us because he always came to his little buddy's vet appointments. The vet said he was fine, HE SAID HE WAS FINE! That he was doing good, to keep giving him his pills and to keep watching him, BUT HE WAS FINE, i can't get that out of my head.
So we left, CJ went his way, Oranges and I went ours. 

This is where it gets hard, this is where I hate myself, where I get mad at myself and get confused as to what happened. 
I put him in the car on the passenger seat as alwyas, I told him we were on the way, I like to think that he enjoyed it when I talked to him in the car. He looked at me and was ready. So we drove. I don't remember where we were but we weren't that far nor were we too close (to the vet that is in Barrhaven). But it smelled bad, I told him he smelled bad, I thought maybe he farted, but he had pooped in his crate. I didn't think much of it I figured he just couldn't hold it anymore. He started to make some funny noises and rolled around in his crate, I told him it would be fine and we would be home soon enough. He started making like coughing noises. I pulled over and let him out of the cage becuase I didn't want him in there with his poop and thought he didn't feel very good. Our old cat, Fluffy, used to get car sick. That's what it looked like was happenign to Oranges. He was kind of foaming at the mouth, just like Fluffy. I almost turned around, I should have. Why didn't I? He needed me to turn around and bring him to the vet, but I didn't do it because I just thought he was car sick. 
I put him in the backseat along with his cage, he just layed on the back seat. He meowed a few times, sometimes louder than others, but he was making noise, and he was moving around. I touched his paw. We were closer to home and I called his name a few times, and when I did he looked at me, his eyes moved, I told myself as long as he moved his eyes he was fine. Maybe I knew. I don't really know, maybe I knew.

I pulled into the driveway. I went to get him out of the back of the car. I was going to carry him inside put him in his bed and let his tummy settle, he would feel better later, because the vet said he was doing good. He was limp. When i tried to pick him up he made a funny meow noise, like maybe it hurt when I touched him or maybe he was scared, maybe he wanted me to know he was still there. I ran inside and told my mom something was wrong with him. She came out to the car, I told her I thought he was just car sick, just like fluffy. She picked him up and he tried to cough. Some stuff came out. She brought him into the front hall and he just flopped on the ground, he kind of looked like he might have had a seizure, I don't knwo though. Some parts are blurry, I was scared. He must have been scared too. My mom told me she thought he was dying, that's when I went a little hysterical. I started bawling. She put him in the car, told me to get in. I didn't, she ran back inside to get keys and her purse. I looked into the car and he was turning blue, I didn't know what to do, I already didn't turn back, what could I do for him now, maybe I should have held him, now that I think about it why didn't I hold him, and let him know I was there, to give him a little comfort. I started screaming for my mom to hurry up, I'm pretty sure i was on my knees in the driveway yelling and crying. She finally got outside I told her he wasn't moving. She tried to pump his heart, she told me to get in and to keep doing it to him, but nothing happened. His poor little eyes started to glaze over, he wasn't moving. I couldn't help him anymore. 

My baby, Oranges was my baby, the baby that CJ gave me. He thinks he gave me a bad present that was broken. I don't care though, becuase he was the orange cat I wanted. 

We still tried bringing him to the vet in Richmond, but they were closed. We brought him back to Barrhaven. My mom made me sit in the car. They came and got him. I had said goodbye, more than anything I wish I was still holding him now. I wish he was trying to get on my lap and bothering me. I would rather he be annoying me for the rest of my life then have him gone. 

Only 2 1/2 years old. What kind of life is that to live. I guess he was a happy cat, and I loved him. 

When I look back I wonder if he was chocking, I had put some treats in his cage, is it possible? If so could I have actually helped him. I tried putting my finger in his throat to see if there was anything there, I didn't see anything there. Or I guess I didn't feel anything.

I know some people wouldn't and likely don't understnad how I feel. He was my baby, he was mine and I loved him almost more than anything at all. I expected him to be around for at least another ten years if not longer. 

At this point I just want to drown out the world. I don't want to forget. I will later post all my favourite and funny and great memories of Oranges. Not yet though, I'm still too hurt and angry, at myself and at him and at the vet. I may be out of line, but I don't care. This shouldn't have happened. His heart shouldn't have been bad, he wasn't even three yet. 

Some may think I'm crazy, and I might be, but I do'nt think I need to say that you should put yoruself in my shoes. I think I'm just paranoid people won't get it, I'm sure I'm underestimating everyone. 

Oranges, little itty bitty Oranges, my buddy, I miss you so much. So many things remind me of you. But you aren't here anymore. 

I hope this is all the pain I have to feel for a long time.

bombs exploded 3droppin bombs

[24 Mar 2008|09:49pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

 never the same

droppin bombs

rain check [16 Mar 2008|08:41pm]
 it's a quarter past ten on a sunday
and when it can it gets to you
Days pass like molasses
But before you know it it comes to an end

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sick from the pit of my stomach
wrenched up from my gut
i can't stand the way it feels 
when the knots turn into stone
droppin bombs

travellers log [12 Mar 2008|04:10pm]
 if i choose to go on vacation where should it be?
i have the whole world to choose from
you would think that it would be easier
this is the time to take advantage of whats out there
tomorrow i may not get to know or go
i could experience oktoberfest with the best of them
or take  the road to rome
maybe i'll head out east
or just stick to my continent
just so you know anything with you would be an adventure
one of a lifetime
------------------------------------------------------------------------

eighteen years eighteen years
they mean a lot to me

----------------------------------------------------------------------



****http://ca.contiki.com/tours/101-eastern-road****
droppin bombs

is this what it's all about? [11 Mar 2008|07:54pm]
 if a boy likes me a lot
and starts getting real nervous
and suddenly begins asking me funny questions
and looks sad if I give the wrong answers
and he says things like,
"Do you think it's going to rain?"
and I say, "It beats me,"
and he says, "Oh,"
and looks a little sad
at the clear blue California sky,
I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time
instead of me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                                                            
i never wanted to say goodbye
i'd throw myself to the sea
if god promised you're inside
we'd floa to island paradise

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                                                             

In an effort to get people to look into each other's eyes more, and also to appease the mutes, the governmetn has decided to allot each person exactly a hundred and sixty-seven words, per day. When the phone rings, I put it to my ear without saying hello. In the restaurant I point at the chicken noodle soup. I am adjusting well to new way. 
Late at night, I call my long distance lover, proudly say I only used-fifty nine today. I saved the rest for you. When she doesn't respond, I know she's used up all her words, so i slowly whisper I love you thirty-two and a third times. After that, we just sit on the line and listen to each other breathe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                                                        

droppin bombs

easier said than done [29 Feb 2008|01:27pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

 i want to make you better, i want to fix you and make you happy. its the little things that go wrong if your day that i want to fix but just can't cause i'm not there with you. hopefully your day picks up and i'm able to talk to you later to hear about it. easier said than done but just try and push away the bad to make things better, i should probably take my own advice. 

i have a new roommate for the next week. well i guess i'm his roommate. tim asked me to stay at his place while his parents are away....i'm assuming its so he doesn't get lonely and because someone needs to help look after blackie...his dog. she is a sweetheart and i love her. i have been there one night already and it went fine. the only thing is he only has dial up and i am used to high speed wireless. the Plue family is living in the past. so my internet fix will only come from school/cj's/home visits. thats ok maybe this way i will get more school work done rather than spending all my time on the internet, at least it will be one procrastination taken away. 

i also got my hair cut and dyed...just my roots. and the cut was just a few more layers and some bangs. my mom says she likes the bangs but doesn't like the colour. she says it looks too orange and kind of fried i guess. she says it does not look natural enough. but i like it....everyone else says they do, but now i'm not sure if i should believe them. i really thought this time most of the orangey was taken out....i hope people would tell me, but at the same time nothing could really be done until i the next time i get it done.

there are only a few more weeks of school left, and my thesis is due in approximately 27 days. i cannot wrap my head around that, and if i try i can feel myself coming upon a panic attack. i do not want that....i guess i better just keep working hard.

i guess things are looking up. car starts, cat hugs and phone conversations are always nice. 
its time to go eat some lunch which consists of kraft dinner, nuts and water. i've done better but i've done worse :)

droppin bombs

[25 Jan 2008|11:01pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i am happy. lately things have been looking up and i feel as though i have control on most things. Christmas went well until I felt as though i was dying from the inside out and oranges got sick. I got better and Oranges is doing good, he is still a sick little kitty but he is on medication that seems to be helping him. 
School has started for the second semester and this will be the last one of my University career (knock on wood). After this my plan is to go to Algonquin for Museum Studies after that I hope to get a job working in a Museum, that is my dream right now and maybe/hopefully eventually go to grad school. CJ says he is still going to go to teacher's college I hope that all works out well for him, I'm nervous for him mostly because I don't know what it entails to get in to teachers college and I just want him to be prepared. 
I feel so rusty at this I haven't written anything in a long time, I'm not very eloquant and the words just aren't coming to me even though I had the urge to write in here. I think maybe I'm just nervous that one day I will forget all that I've been doing at this time of my life when I'm old. 
So I surprised CJ with tickets to David Copperfield and it was amazing. I loved seeing how happy he got over it and just the whole act was great. Some I believed and am really baffled about how he was able to do it but one I didn't believe it was just too far fetched. 
I wish I could go out more, I wish I didn't work so much or that at least I always had sundays off like most of my friends so that I could go out/drink/get high while I still can and don't get looked at like i'm some sort of weirdo. So i've put it out there I want to "party" more I guess.

I really have no more to say and this has probably been one of the most lame posts I've ever done. Oh well, I guess all I have to say is Heath Ledger died and it's sad, he was hot and he had a baby and I feel bad for her that she will never know her daddy.

bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

at least I have the Ataris and your smile to look forward to. [30 Sep 2007|01:59pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

    I'm sitting here ignoring the work that should be done, instead diving into the anonymity that is the internet. Looking at journals and blogs is whatt occupies my time. I know the work needs to be done it just doesn't seem to be a priority though it is due tomorrow. 
    I drink an energy drink to stop the fatigue that threatens to engulf me. If only I could look at this as the last semester before the rest of my life begins. It would be nice to be able to say I'm done with it all and to move out away from my anxieties and stresses. To grab the cat and just get up and leave, to somewhere that isn't home yet. But, when I am there will I miss it all? Probably, but isn't that what growing up is all about? The adventures, maybe I should cherrish the point in my life a little more but, it is hard when I don't feel adequate enough in comparison to my peers. 
    Maybe on that note I should get back to it, to try my best for the best mark I can get. To bullshit my way through another project and cross my finger that I won't feel ridiculous or ridiculed.

droppin bombs

broken glass and purring cats [16 Mar 2007|01:08am]

i have that disease where you can't sleep when it is the time to. i lie awake thinking of what was said. it makes me nervous. and it makes me hurt. all i can do is hope for the best and give it my all. only fourty five days til this is all over with. but even then we will not be alone and that is all that i want is to be alone with you so that i can feel like all of our problems have flown out the window. just you and i and the laughter we share is what i need. i want this feeling of sadness to go away, even though its  only been here for about an hour. all i can do is wait to see what is around the next corner.

 

it is hard for me too.

droppin bombs

tamigochi's and oranges [13 Mar 2007|11:44pm]
[ mood | awake ]

i sit awake after we hang up the phone thinking of what you've said. i will try my best to accomadate your wishes to match my own. i know we want the same thing but some of it is different, that's why i love us though, becuase we know how to compromise. 
_____________________________________________

my phone lies dead, i can't accept any calls, i wonder if you want to talk. what are you doing alone in your bed, are you thinking of me or just the stuff that is lying piled up on your "to do" list? sometimes i feel like i am more ready than you are, but that is ok i will wait it out, wait for europe and the end of school. i know one day it will come, or i do the best i can to convince myself of that. after europe i look forward to 2010 and the openness of the future. 
_____________________________________________

bombs exploded 2droppin bombs

[19 Feb 2007|04:16pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

its reading week. who is home? i hope i have time to hang out with people and not just to do school work. 
we went to see jack's mannequin and head automatica last night in concert in the tdot. it was one of the best concerst i have been to in ahwile in my opinion.

bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

[09 Jan 2007|01:11pm]
happy anniversary CJ. four years ago today. and i love you.
droppin bombs

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. [20 Dec 2006|10:39am]
[ mood | studious ]

Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list. Have fun!


(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 7

( ) The Princess Bride
(x) AnchorMan
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 8

(x) Scream
(x ) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far:  8

(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 4

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 7

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
( x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG
Total so far: 5

(x) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
(x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(x) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber
Total so far: 9

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 3

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
(x) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 9

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Sleven
(x) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 5

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
(x) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x ) War of the Worlds
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 5

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 8

(x) X-Men
(x) X2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 12

(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
(x) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 7

( ) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 4 

( ) BASEketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 1

( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far:4

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(x ) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 6

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 3

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 5

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total so far: 5

TOTAL: 113...no life i guess
bombs exploded 6droppin bombs

facebook has taken over my life [15 Nov 2006|11:41am]
[ mood | tired ]

so our lovely carleton profs are not striking. truthfully i kind of wish that they were so i could have today off without feeling guilty about it. whatever people, good for you for coming to an agreement, but what about me?!?!?! 
so i have two midterms on monday and realize that i work thursday, friday and saturday. good job on my part.  and here i am right now writing in here when i could be studying. i hate studying and ihate school at this moment, i wish i could sit back and relax. but that won't even be possible until December 21 after 5pm. I hate how that day is my last day of exams. why couldn't it have been sooner. 

to look forward to:
my birthday
cj's birthday
christmas
new years eve (what will we do!?!?!?)
Europe!! (we leave April 30 at 10:40pm from Ottawa and we land in Heathrow (London). YAY!!! we will be there for a month and a week!!!)
new classes (i think they'll be kind of scary though)

bombs exploded 1droppin bombs

car crashes [31 Oct 2006|10:37pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i got hit today, by a car, while in my car. i was trying to turn into carleton and had to stop, i guess they didn't think stopping was a good idea. so they just slammed right into me. there was no damage to my car, just to hers. stupid girl. it scared me, i screamed and my head flew forward. she acted like she was dead, but i knew she wasn't so i got out, i guess she realized i had caught on to her act and got out also. i didn't get her information because she said she would just tell her dad that someone backed into her. crazy chic. happy halloween to me

 

 

when i go blind, which is happening quickly i want to get cute squared pink glasses. they'll be cute

bombs exploded 3droppin bombs

i'm a pirate...maybe thats what i'll be for halloweeen [19 Sep 2006|08:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

aaarrrrr matey!! it's talk like a pirate day. hope it was a good one

p.s. just for laughs comeday show will be in ottawa november 5, 2006. i would like to go, it costs $32.50, $39.50 and $49.50. obvioulsy the cheaper the worst seats and the higher the number the better the seats.

bombs exploded 6droppin bombs

please don't mind what i'm trying to say [10 Sep 2006|01:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

don't you ever wish that it was easier to express how you feel? i already miss katy. and it hasn't even been a day. i miss the feeling of having a group of close girl friends around. but they are so hard to make. i just look around at everyone else who has those friends and it makes me so jealous. i'm so nervous about class a little bit too because of not knowing anyone in them....i guess i'm more nervous about if there needs to be group work. i wish i could make friends easier and was able to sort out my emotions. i just feel like a mess right now, at least it helps to get things out a little bit. to just write them down. it may make no sense but it makes me feel like the huge jumble in my head is getting a little lighter.

bombs exploded 4droppin bombs

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